It’s nearly June, and as temperatures climb into the thousands, the newly vaccinated are champing at the bit to throw on their swimsuits and head to the pool for what many are dubbing “hot girl summer.”
Just imagine lounging about, cocktail in hand, soaking up enough UV rays to turn yourself into Magda, the leathery Florida woman made famous by the Farrelly brothers in the 1998 classic “There’s Something About Mary.”
On second thought, screw that. I think I speak for everyone when I say that swimming pools could use a splash of … violence?
Enter “The Pool Punisher,” an inflatable modeled after a World War II-era tank that will turn your local pool into a wet hot American warzone.
Its open-top design and leg holes mean it’ll be pretty slow-moving, but hey, what would be more authentic than riding around a WWII tank at a truly glacial pace?
According to Amazon, Pool Punishers feature a “rock solid design, engineered from ultra durable vinyl” and “are crafted to be super tough, withstanding the most rowdy playtimes.”
It also features a water cannon powerful enough to disturb every Karen in the HOA if your heart so desires.
“Pool punisher has given me my confidence back!” according to one Amazon reviewer. “When I show up to the pool with my pool punisher everyone’s jaws drop. Not because of my dad bod but because they can’t believe the world of pain they are about to endure. Anyone that challenges me quickly retreats to the in-ground spa that has a max capacity of 8 and no diving. All is fair in love and war, and when the pool punisher is in play all is fair. Take no prisoners with this hydro weapon at your disposal!”
World War II helmets are not included, nor is battle fatigue, but enthusiasts are welcome to wear wet socks if desiring to make the experience more realistic.
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